Mother's Day

It's great that the universe has so many women who can nurture, love and teach their children; however, I am not one of them and will NEVER be one of them. Sometimes in casual conversation I hear the argument, "Well, things change. You'll change your mind when you're older."

INTERNAL RESPONSE: Oh will I oh wise earth mother sage? I've known you for 5 min., I am almost 30, and my biological clock tells me that it's about time for me to rip you a new A.

REAL RESPONSE: You're wrong. (awkward silence)

I haven't thought about having unprotected sex for years and society is better for it. Let's look at my last Walmart experience. I watched in horror as a woman my age in a floral tracksuit whipped bologna into a cart while 3 sticky-handed monsters swarmed her with their high-pitched singing. I thought to myself, "I bet this poor woman would sell me one of those little shits for a joint and 15 minutes of silence."

So to all of my friends who are mothers, Happy Mother's Day! You have the hardest job in the universe. I look forward to giving your sons their first tender moment with a cougar. Don't worry I use protection.