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March 03, 2005

Halakhah: The path that one walks

When I was 20, two girlfriends and I drove down to Hermosa Beach where they made me, a shikse, an honourary Jew for a day. It was good I read all that Primo Levi and Elie Wiesel, plus my rage against the machine fit well with the Zionist movement. We drove past the Spelling mansion, stopped at the Hustler Store (where I knocked over a display of anal beads), and ate at Kanter's Kibitz room where I went pee in the same toilet that Jacob Dylan peed in. Being a Jew is not too far off from being a Japanese Buddhist. You get to nervously make fun of your elders, while secretly revering and loving them. Your parents teach you how NOT to trust Anglo-Americans and how to feel guilty for everything. Also, there are certain things like the holocaust and the a-bomb that are still extremely off-limits for sarcasm.
I guess anyone who isn't a full-blown Christian is easy to relate to. Things to do on Christmas while the "Others" are busy:
  1. Go golfing - the course is almost always free and none of those goys and gaijins will be there to sandbag you
  2. Put mighty mites and whistling dixies in mandarin oranges- Is it Halloween or New Years? Us savages enjoy fire hazzards all year round.
  3. Round up your Punjabi friends and have a bhangra tailgate party at the Catholic Church's parking lot. (see here for downloads)
  4. Watch the Aloha Bowl- Pearl Stadium in Honolulu boasts roid monkeys smashing each other while a man in a striped shirt gesticulates over a brown ball. Then we eat kosher hotdogs or plain nigiris. You don't have to be Christian to be a red-neck.
  5. Call all your Christian friends when you are tripping balls on ecstacy and tell them that you have just had a threesome with the hottest Muslims ever. Be sure to use the word "Ramadan" in all sorts of lude ways.
  6. Begin planning for "our" New Year, because while Todd and Rod are celebrating their "Christ-mas", I can really get down to business with my 15-day celebration of lanterns, red-bean soup, and lychee nuts. Stupid Todd and Rod, my people are way older than your people. 2005- bah, freaking infants.


Anonymous Dre said...

Although I belong to the chosen people group on my mother side, I also has been baptized as Russian orthodox, I attended Catholic high school for 2 years, I also was "invited" to Mormon church, and I've attended Anglo-Catholic church. I guess the funniest thing about all that is the fact that I am not very religious. Most of the time, I was dragged to the holy place by my family, friends, or mormons.

So how does one decide what religion is right for him or her? Well, lets consider the cuisine of the above mentioned religions. True Jew do not eat pork, but to quote the conversation between Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega, "But bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good...". So having eaten both, clearly I am a BAD Jew.

Moving on, Russian orthodox. So I get baptized right before my "trip" to Canada, in order to get the higher power on my family side. I get all naked and the MAN pours "holy" cold water on me. Needless to say I was not thrilled to be nude at the age 15 in front of my entire family and a few friends. I think Russian orthodox are not nearly as picky about what you can or cannot eat though. But drinking wine on certain days is definitely prohibited. Not knowing about those days is no excuse, and I am sure I drank on those days plenty of times. What does that mean, well I am a BAD Russian orthodox.

Roman Catholic, well my experience there can be described in 6 words - DRY PIECE OF ROUND POTATO CHIP. I was fortunate, or unfortunate to be attending Holy Heart of Mary High School in Newfoundland. Great school - every morning we had a prayer. Not being able to understand the words that are being said over the PA system I simply imagined what I wanted to imagine. A few times I was smiling when everyone else was about ready to cry, clearly no bonus points there. Until one day, I tried the potato chip, or dry bread. I am still not sure why we have to endure food so tasteless and dry. Bottom line, it is not for me.

Finally we will finish with Mormons. These guys offered me tea, once again language was a barrier, but I really tried to tell them that the tea needs sugar. I even did a little CAMEO and still no sugar. Why not? Anyone? Why would they not have sugar... anyways not for me.

So what does this non-sense mean in the whole universe of things... absolutely nothing. I often think of my self as a person, and yes i am going to quote The OC, who has both Jesus and Moses on his side.

5:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Mattimus Prime said...

So could you qualify as a JUBU?

See the principles of jewish buddhism

3:41 p.m.  
Blogger Suzy Perplexus said...

JUBU- I can see it now, on two-toned leather jackets and oversized khakis all over town.

9:02 a.m.  

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